Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
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once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
the world’s most popular steaming services
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.