Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
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I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.