My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok