Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
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This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I see your IQ test came back negative
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.