Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
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I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.