ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
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Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.