I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
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Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.