Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
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The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.