Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.