MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
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“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My dog ate my work from home.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do