as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
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Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.