Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
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Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.