[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
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Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Yes
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Yes, but it was never about money