Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
at ease…shoulder.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I’M CRYINGGG
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”