Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
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you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less