Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
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Blew out my flip flop…
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
BaD BoY!!
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle