This is my emotional support online shopping cart
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Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
emergency phone
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.