[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah