I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
What the hell is going on?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
liiiiiiiiike
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try