drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
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Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up