Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
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Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste