I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
You Might Also Like
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that