Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
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Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
The police never think its as funny as you do.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it