i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
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Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.