FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
this has done me in for some reason
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.