[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
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Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I need to get some bricks…
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday