I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
watergate? u mean a dam??
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”