NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
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Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I came this close!!!!
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice