When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone