11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?