[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
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realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.