Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
You Might Also Like
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*