I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
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listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Death certificates are our last participation award.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Only Americans understand
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”