I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
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There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?