no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
An odd boast
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My last name is Zilla.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”