Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
kevin is now a local weatherman
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters