Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
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The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”