Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
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me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice