[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
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*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so