Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact