If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
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Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”