Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
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Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined