“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
How it started How it’s going
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
The Backseat Boys
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.