The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
You Might Also Like
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”