IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
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my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.