I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Cat.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.