Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
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MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
for all #parents out there
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”