my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
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Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27