You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Still cracks me up
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days