Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
don’t we all
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter